Sunday, 17 March 1918 Price 10 Pfennig
German War Newspaper
Berlin Local Herald of the Evening
Resumption of Hostility!
[Col 1 from left]
On the situation.
Only with hesitation do we dip our pen into the stream of the times. It’s becoming more and more difficult to fight through the labyrinth of the political darkroom and to find one’s way through the Gordian knot of events.
We cannot raise our voice, our warning notes, loud enough against open door politics.
The government is still at work pouring oil into the public’s wounds, to smooth the waves of inner discontent. Nothing of that sort is happening. On the contrary! A Kommerzienrat from Charlottenburg is permitted to slaughter a pig for a celebration. Isn’t that taking owls to Athens? How can that be consistent with the alleged self-determination rights of the people! Insiders understand the connection: the Kommerzienrat is a known agrarian. These gentlemen are playing first flute in Prussia, until one day the latter saws off the branch on which he sits. The time draws near when the pitcher will have gone to the well long enough, when the one who has been indignant for thousands of years… But we digress. Because has been moving, confusing, angering, unsettling us for days, yes for weeks, is the extraordinary difficulty in finding a harmless, even if contrived or flighty (who can ask more of us) literary connection between the political events described above and those we want to talk about. It’s precisely as if the chain that is supposed to bind the two is daily darkening more and more instead of untangling, as if the lines leading to our goal end in a thousand threads, in which, the more we try to free ourselves, the more entangled we become.
Not that a lack of material is tossing us about anxiously in our editor’s arm chair, like an ant in spring winds – on the contrary! The material relations crowd themselves upon us, so that we ask ourselves how we can possibly provide system, oversight, and on the other hand wit in the small amount of space to which our paper has been reduced, in view of the swelling of our ad section, of which, although, a significant portion, as is today the case due to the scandalous situation in the paper allocation office, which, it must be said in its defense, on its part is totally dependent on the arbitrary distribution by paper manufacturers, a significant part has fallen away.
We fear suffocating in Chavs. [This has to be Hebrew or Yiddish & I don’t know what it means]. And for what? Are we come to the conclusion, because what would still remain to be told would better not be pulled out of the coat of neighborly love. Why should things long known be disclosed for public scorn?
We can say without exaggeration that the pig mentioned above did not fall into good company. It finds itself, how should we say, entangled in a house of chaos and dissension. Why remind everyone of this? Surely the bowl will be found again, like Columbus’ egg. But why is he hiding it all the time? And on top of it, he’s laughing! He never loses his good mood between mutually antagonistic monopolies, he believes he will be permitted to rest contentedly on his golden laurels. Certainly – let’s not be unjust – future generations will be reflected in the long chain of his accomplishments. But is he thankful to her, who, like a good fairy, shadows his life? No! And why not? Gossip!
Let’s break the thread before it becomes bitter. The Charlottenburg city fathers, though, let’s leave with a final cave canem. [beware of the dog]. The time is coming!
[This has to be a send up of a then well-known political columnist. The metaphors are just as mixed, motley even, in the original. It doesn’t seem to be saying anything, except that the time for putting all the haves up against the wall is just about at hand].
[Bold-faced bloc at top center of page]
(WTB) Castle Oberglogau announces:
The peace conditions delivered by the Pasternack government to the Schwientochlowitz negotiators follow verbatim:
This peace offer has been officially declined. Hostilities are to resume immediately.
Telegram from the Prince of all Schwientochlowitz to his Chancellor Cohn: Have declined peace offer. The gruesome, stubborn enemy must continue to feel our sharply honed sword. God is with us Schwientochlowitzers.
The Commandant of Berlin
A Sad Experience
An Austrian woman married in Berlin recently had the following experience: She had, as often happened at the beginning of the war, chosen for herself a soldier in the field, in this case, naturally, an Austrian, to whom she sent food packages. For this she received, from time to time, the customary thank you note. In early August 1914 the protégé wrote touchingly of the lovely things he’d received and said that she would hear more from him after the next victory.
The Austrian woman married in Berlin has not heard a thing from her protégé since then.
No school today!
The Supreme Command in the Marches has decreed that, today, on the occasion of the Golden Anniversary of Julius and Julie Cassirer, all schools in Germany will be closed.
Local News
In today’s number, we again had to cut 4 pages of announcements due to a shortage of ideas. Conditions are becoming intolerable.
War Profiteers at Work!
One of the loveliest villa colonies of Berlin, Westend, is about to be subdivided! We have heard that a Charlottenburger industrialist has had all of the Westend lots turned over to him! In view of his well-known entrepreneurial spirit and decisiveness, there is danger in hesitation. Naturally the Charlottenburg city council is asleep again.
Unwanted Politeness
In this so difficult time, when politeness and etiquette have become so rare, one happily takes notice of an act of benevolent friendliness.
A local family foundation has begun the apt custom, worthy of emulation, of sending congratulatory telegrams to its members on joyous occasions like birthdays, confirmation, and divorce with the rubric, “It shall be a custom!”
Timely Help in a Time of Need!
The Bundesrat has just accepted a law for state subsidy of suffering cable and cellulose factories.
The Romantic Adventures of a Kommerzienrat
Aroused in Bad Salzbrunn notice, just as undesirable as justified, all the more because this gentleman usually held his trysts in the park belonging to one of the hotels there. His wife caught him in the act repeatedly. The conclusion was a rapid departure. The spa administration, we hear, will not accept this gentleman in future.
[Page 2 from the left again]
Letter from Mariechen to her friend Lotte
How we spend our Sundays:
Dear Lotte!
Sundays we mostly visit our dear grandparents. My father says he’d rather stay home, you can’t sleep at the villa, there aren’t enough sofas, but we still have to go. Everyone has assembled by 2:30, usually one of the children is missing due to intestinal flu or something like it; I’ve spent some Sundays in bed myself. Uncle Bruno is usually late. Everyone yells at him, but he remains completely calm and reaches for the B.Z. [must be Berliner Zeitung, one of the newspapers]. Now we’re at the table: Aunt Else is called to the phone. Mother serves the soup. Father always wants two dishes, Grandfather tells him not to be such a glutton, we’re not in Pomerania any more. Then comes the roast. Before, before we had the war, we had something in between, but Grandfather must now economize carefully, so that we survive. The roast is most often hen, father says he’s up to here with it already, [literally – it’s growing out of his neck] I don’t know what he means by it. Grandfather is always served last. Grandmother says he can wait, the guests come first. Aunt Else is called to the phone. There’s always compote, too, 4 kinds, it tastes wonderful. Grandfather says, “I’ve already forbidden you 100 times to serve so much compote. What will we have for later?” Grandmother tells him to worry about his own affairs, this is none of his business. The others hardly talk at all. Fritz and Robert kick each other under the table. Aunt Else whispers about Liebermann & so forth to Uncle Bruno. Suddenly Father says, “We’re doing lousy and now the Japanese are coming”. This makes Grandfather cross. He says such a pessimist should be jailed. Father says, that’s the way it is, you’ll all see. Now comes desert, always warm. Used to be, there such lovely ices, I much preferred that, but it’s all been confiscated. Fritz eats two servings. Grandmother urges a third on him. Grandfather says, “The guys’ going to explode”. Grandmother says, “Just let him eat. The little boy looks so miserable”. Father is called to the phone, Mrs. Budre needs to speak to him. He’s very angry: the gang can’t even leave me alone on a Sunday. Now everyone gets up. Grandfather is very tired. Grandmother says, “it’s not polite to go to sleep when one has company!” Grandfather goes anyway. The other guests are nodding their heads already, one of them leans on the other. Father takes off his jacket. Mother says, “That’s very ugly”. Father unties his tie, too, and lies down. Only Grandmother stays lively and asks me, “Now Miekchen, what are you up to?” I say, “I’m going for a walk with my Anni: it’s too boring here”. And I go. Dear Lotte! I have to close for today, as we have to practice for the Golden Anniversary. More next time,
Your,
Mariechen
Source of Gold Disclosed!
After a long search, turning Mr. Bruno Cassirer’s silences into gold has finally succeeded. The country’s gold reserves are rising steadily.
Down with the Enemies of the Fatherland!
Sanitaetsrat Dr. Loewenberg was reported to the political division of the police for “Flaumacherei” [don’t know what that means].
Sports Review
Else Cassirer’s long-standing efforts and enthusiasm for the sport of trotting, have finally paid off in her recent licensing as a driver.
Weather Report of the Meineke Observatory of 17 March 1918
Initially merry, multiply overcasts, [“getruebt” also means getting sad in German], later increasing cloudiness, many storms, toward evening completely queasy, marked precipitation.
[Lower half of page:]
Announcements
The happy delivery of my wife Elise from the duties of the people’s kitchen I hereby announce with great joy.
Dr. Max Loewenberg
German-National Union
Lecture on 17 March 1918
Professor Ernst Cassirer
Belgium and Northern France
A German Account
All tickets out of print
Sought.
Older, lively lady, night escort on account of husband’s sleepiness, Inquire for JC, Fasanenstr. 34
Sought at any price:
Manet, eggs to incubate, a complete herd of children, Liebermann, veil tails, Menzel, goods of any size, villa lots, Persian rugs, Faiences, Rugs, cheese (per cartload only), partnerships in lucrative businesses of any kind, milk goats, studs of all breeds [horse that is], expenditures on luxury items (only over-priced)
Dr. Hugo Cassirer
Across the bottom: Musician who has seen better days wishes to be relieved of a guaranteed empty safe cheaply. Inquire Munich, George St. 36
[The large one across the center]
Monster Piano Concert by Mrs. Professor Hedwig Cassirer in the Philharmonic.
[In small print, lower right]
has been cancelled.
[All bold, framed]
On Gut Lindenhof the hunt for 1000 partridge, 500 deer and 870 rabbits has opened.
Fellow citizens!
Beware of conversations with Dr. Max Loewenberg.
Rightmost of the announcements:
As it is not possible for me to answer personally the many letters of congratulation on my being awarded the order Pour le Semit personally, I say my heartfelt thanks in this manner.
Rudi
I hereby warn of my marriage to my wife Julie Casssirer, as I have disinherited the children of this, my second marriage.
Julius Cassirer
Sought.
Cozy apartment of 12 rooms in the center of Berlin, near the Grunewald Sanatorium, toilets on the south side, flies not desired. Family connection to the landlord’s family required. Kais. Rat Bondy
Returned from travel.
Dr. Paul Herrmann
Furnace sought.
By the tenants of Saechischestr. 10
Honorary post sought
From 5:50 to 6[AM]
Stadtrat Cassirer
Come immediately
And pay the high prices
Walter Bondy
[Translation courtesy of Irene Newhouse 21 Oct 2005.]